Smoke and Mirrors

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June 06, 2003

Then again, those cheese weasels are pretty tenacious...

So, 3WA isn't shutting down after all! It will be changing to a paid-subscription site, which is fine with me. I figure I've gotten enough out of it for the last three years that it only makes sense to pay to help keep it going. I know Sara was ready to let it go, and I also know she put in a lot of work figuring out how to keep it going, and I appreciate it. (I've also read some comments on a couple of different websites accusing Sara and Stee of threatening to shut the site down deliberately, in order to manipulate people into sending them money. Say that in my presence, and I will bite you. They were both very open about the decision to close, and about their reasons for deciding not to, and I believe them. I do, however, wholeheartedly agree that Sara should be henceforth known as The Princess of Manhattan, though.)

And now, on to a Friday Five:

1. How many times have you truly been in love?

Hmmm. Twice, I guess. I was madly in love with my college boyfriend, Eric. I'm a little torn, here, because I know I was in love with my ex-husband, but I honestly can't remember why, now.

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?

Eric was my best friend. I always felt like he knew me better than anyone else, and liked me in spite of the flaws. (And vice versa -- I felt the same way about him.) He was also there during a very difficult time for me -- my parents had just split up in an ugly way, and I had the worst roommates ever, and was not coping well. He was an absolute rock, though I'm sure it was very hard for him. I was pretty needy at the time. I couldn't help it, but I still felt bad about it.

The ex... well, see above. I don't remember. I do know he could make me laugh until I cried, and that he could be very sweet when he wanted to be, but it was all so mixed up with other, much less pleasant crap that it sort of got lost.

3. What qualities should a significant other have?

Honesty. I have a hard time trusting people, and not being honest with me is one thing that will send me running for the hills. A good sense of humor. A great deal of patience. A mind of his own.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?

I don't think so. I hope not, at any rate. I've only ever broken up with two people -- one was a sweet but very dumb guy I dated for a month before college -- I had to break up with him three times before he finally realized that I meant it. I'm sure he was hurt, but I don't think it was a heartbreak sort of thing. If it was, I'm sorry for it, but I had tried to make it as clear as I could that it wasn't going to be a long-term relationship. The other was the second guy I dated in college, and he'd already broken up with me (and given my heart a good bruising in the process.) He kept calling and wanting to see me after he dumped me, though, which was weird. He seemed to want me to be his girlfriend when it suited him, and I wasn't willing to do that. I never doubted that he cared about me, and I do think he loved me, but... he had some pretty major issues he needed to deal with. He wasn't really in any state to be in a relationship, and it was abundantly clear that we would never be able to be "just friends." So, I told him he needed to stop calling me, and that I couldn't handle seeing him any more. He was in self-destruct mode at the time, and didn't take it well, but again, I don't think I broke his heart. I think it was already pretty well broken by other things. I do wonder what happened with him -- I still worry about whether he's okay.

5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?

Oh, God, I don't know. I'm not the girl to ask, really. I guess I would say: be careful. Love can be the best thing in the world, but it can also really, really suck. The idea that Love Conquers All is, in my opinion, bullshit. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love someone; it can't always keep a relationship going.

Wow, that was a downer. I'm coming across as much more cynical than I mean to, I think. I'm not all anti-love, here. It's just something I'm trying to figure out, and having a hard time with. I've not had that much experience with it, and the last time around... well, that made me very, very cynical. So I'm trying to find the line between being careful, and being too guarded. I have, in the past, just put myself right out there, and given my heart to someone too quickly, and when I really shouldn't have. I've let myself be a doormat, because I figured that if someone liked me, I should do whatever I could to make them keep liking me. I also figured that, hey, it's not like guys are falling all over themselves to be with me, so I'd better take the chance when it's offered. Hi, self-esteem issues, much? So yeah, I've learned from that, and I don't plan to do it again. Ironically enough, being cheated on and treated like dirt was what taught me to get over those issues. I am worth more than that, and I don't have to put up with being unhappy just to please someone else.

However. I have gotten far too accustomed to my own company. I'm perfectly happy on my own, most of the time. So much so that it's hard to let someone else in. I'm working on that, because while it may be comfortable, it's not really healthy. I don't want to isolate myself. I do value my independence, but I don't want to keep myself so closed off that it's impossible to have a relationship. I'm cautiously optimistic, right now. I'm trying, anyway, and that's the best I can do.

Posted by Mary Ellen at June 6, 2003 01:18 PM

Comments

Posted by: Rogue at June 6, 2003 03:43 PM

Posted by: Mary Ellen at June 6, 2003 05:09 PM