Smoke and Mirrors

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March 26, 2003

Catching up

Hey. See, I knew I shouldn't have said that thing about writing lots of short entries. Sorry. I mean to, but then I start watching Angel DVDs, and, well, there you go.

I'm a bit sick at the moment. I got sent home early Monday, and took Tuesday off, but I still have a killer sinus headache and a random fever. I felt better today, in spite of my boss repeatedly telling me how awful I looked. There's a morale booster for you!

The weekend was mostly good -- Saturday was spent doing the mundane chores -- laundry, cleaning, etc. But it was nice out, so I didn't mind. And for a change, I didn't attract any crazy people in the laundromat. Yay, me!

Sunday, Jeff visited, and there was a trip to Harvard Square, and greasy-spoon food, and shopping (and too much money spent by me, but hey, I have British candy, and two new DVDs, so that's all good) and movie-watching. Jeff is a sweet guy. It's a change -- I'm not used to nice guys. I'm used to guys wanting me to be different, and playing head games, and there's none of that. Nice is good, I think.

Monday and Tuesday were a haze of naps and daytime TLC shows -- I really should stop watching TLC during the day. I get weepy over A Wedding Story, and then freaked out by A Baby Story. Today, I reapplied for that job in New Hampshire that I didn't get back in May -- the position is open again, and they seemed to like me a lot last time, in spite of turning me down. I do love the library, and I fell madly in love with the town, so I'm hoping... I'll probably get shot down again, but hey, sending the resume can't hurt, right?

Tonight, I learned that my dad is part of a somewhat wacky religious group -- they meet in secret, and speak in tongues, and have visions of angels, and there's something involving sparkly "glory dust." I don't get it, myself, but if it makes him happy, that's fine with me. What I have a hard time with is his new reputation as a holy man, of sorts -- best pals with God. I know him better than that. He cheated on my mom multiple times, the last time with a married woman, so he broke up two families in one fell swoop. He told me every day for twenty-odd years that I was stupid, useless, fat, and ugly -- and those were the good conversations. He thinks his son is a failure. He ignores both of us completely -- I stopped trying a couple of years ago, but my brother still tries to stay in touch, and gets treated like dirt in return. I'd like to think he's changed, but he hasn't, and he won't. He's abusive, and arrogant, and I don't miss him... usually. It does still hurt sometimes -- it's hard knowing that my father couldn't care less about me. It's hard knowing that I probably never even cross his mind. I don't miss him making me hate myself, and I don't miss the pain he inflicted, but I do find it hard to accept that my father thinks I'm worthless, that I'm nothing to him. My mom more than makes up for it in love and friendship, but still, that sting is there. And I hate it.

Ahem. Sorry. Didn't want to go there, really. It's just bugging me. Here's a cute cat story to counteract it: last night, I accidentally stepped on Smoke's paw. I didn't mean to -- she just has this thing where she likes to creep up behind me and stand right behind my feet. I stepped back, right onto her foot, and she yolwed -- it did scare me, because I had shoes on, and was worried I'd hurt her foot. She hopped off favoring her back leg, and hid under my bed. A bit later, she came out, and I checked her foot, and it was fine, but she was bery, very mad at me. She sat on the steps for an hour or so scowling at me (and yes, cats can scowl. Furrowed brow and everything.) At one point, she ran up to me for a pat, then stopped, remembered she was mad at me, and stalked off in a huff. She's cute when she's pissed off. It's all forgiven today, apparently.

Posted by Mary Ellen at March 26, 2003 10:59 PM

Comments

Posted by: Kethrai at April 4, 2003 11:44 PM

Posted by: Mary Ellen at April 4, 2003 11:46 PM

Posted by: Kethrai at April 5, 2003 06:42 AM