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January 24, 2003
A Friday Five, and a bit of bitching.
First the Friday Five:
1. What is one thing you don't like about your body?
I have to choose just one thing? I guess it would be my stomach. It was fairly flat once, many ages ago, and now it's definitely not. I'm also not fond of the double chin that's determined to grow on my face -- it's currently making me avoid looking in the mirror. Also, I wish my hair was thicker, and that it would grow faster.
2. What are two things you love about your body?
My eyes, because they're nicely shaped and very expressive. I also like my skin, even though it's very dry at the moment.
3. What are three things you want to change about your home?
I wish I owned it instead of renting (though maybe not this particular home, since it needs a lot of expensive repair work). I'd have a gas stove instead of electric -- I hate cooking on an electric stove. And I would have a garden in the back yard, instead of a bare patch of dirt. There's a large tree in the yard that blocks all the sun, so nothing grows back there, not even weeds.
4. What are four books you want to read this year?
The new Harry Potter. I want to finish this book about Tolkien, because it's very good -- I can't remember why I stopped reading it. The Silmarillion, keeping with the Tolkien -- I've started it many times, and never managed to finish it. And the book I'm reading now, Ella Minnow Pea.
5. What are five promises you have kept to yourself?
Hmm. To leave my unpleasant ex-husband, and not look back. To stop spending so much money. To work on paying down my staggering credit card bills -- I've made small progress, but small is okay. To finish school. To stop being so hard on myself, to be more comfortable in my skin, and to try to stop doubting it when people tell me I'm pretty. (Okay, so I'm not doing well on that last one, but I am trying.)
This week sucked. Truly, deeply, sucked. There were unpleasantly crazy people to deal with at work -- one guy who spent a very long time yelling onscenities and racial slurs into a cell phone, so I had to make him leave, and immediately after that, a student who became really angry at me for no apparent reason, and then told a coworker of mine (who is none too stable, and doesn't like me anyway) that he was going to complain about me to my boss -- that one's a long story, and it's hard to explain it because I honestly don't know why the guy was so upset with me. This cartoon made me laugh until I cried yesterday -- it's now taped to the printer at my desk. I've also been having a low-grade anxiety attack since Monday, for no reason at all. Work is somewhat busier now, but not unmanageable. My mom thinks it's the weather -- it's been brutally cold here (single digits, wind chills of -20) and since the heat doesn't work well in the library, I'm cold all day, so I just want to stay home. I think that, when the weather is so bad that being outdoors for any length of time could result in death, people should be allowed to stay home in bed all day. I may lobby for that to be a law.
The anxiety hasn't been fun. I'll be fine, then have a sudden sharp wave of dizziness, followed by shaking hands and the feeling that I can't quite breathe. It makes me feel panicky and disoriented. Occasionally, I get a quick sharp pain in my chest -- I've had these for years, though, so I know that there's nothing wrong with my heart, and I'm not dying. The attacks make me feel like I am, though, and it's hard to control them when I'm at work and can't go somewhere quiet to sit and relax until it passes. I'm also grinding my teeth in my sleep again -- I know, because my lower front teeth are throbbing, and I can't chew anything. I apparently clench my teeth like crazy in my sleep. It may well be the weather -- being cold makes me very tired, and I haven't been sleeping well. I know my mom and a couple of friends have been feeling the same way. I think a good long sleep tonight (and much of tomorrow) will help with that. I've had these attacks since college, and they aren't fun, but they do pass after a while. I don't want to have to go on medication for them, because the last time I tried that, I felt sick all the time. So, for now, I take deep breaths and try to just let it run its course.
Anyway. On the good side, a woman hugged me and said "Oh, you're beautiful!" when I found an article she needed. She'd been using a tricky database, and couldn't find it, and her boss was hounding her. So that was nice. My cat's chin-thing is healing nicely -- I pinned her down, scrubbed it, and dabbed some Bacitracin on it. Now it's scabby, and must itch, because she keeps trying to rub it on me. Yes, she is gross. I had a glowing job review recently, and the promise of a raise -- a small one, yes, but money is money, and I need it. My student loans come off forbearance soon. I just talked to a friend I haven't seen in months -- we talked until we were both hoarse, and the phone felt like it was permanently attached to my ear. I don't see her nearly often enough. And now, I may head off for that long sleep.
Posted by Mary Ellen at January 24, 2003 11:31 PM