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December 20, 2002
Blue
A little Friday Five...
1. What holiday or holidays do you celebrate this time of year?
Christmas, then New Year's, then my birthday. (Which is two weeks from today, incidentally. And I'll be 30. Holy crap, when did that happen? And do I have to start acting like a grownup now, because quite frankly, I don't plan to.) I like Christmas, usually -- it's by far my favorite holiday. I'm not feeling much in the spirit this year, though. I've had a bad case of the blahs lately -- worrying a lot about things I can't control, plus a general feeling of "my life is going nowhere, I'm accomplishing nothing, and I'm a troll, and no one will ever love me but my mother and my cat. And I'm not sure about the cat, either." So, blah.
2. What was the best gift you have ever received?
Christmas gift? Hmmm. My ex surprised me with tickets to a hockey game a few years ago, which was pretty damn cool. He'd told me he couldn't afford them, and had me all convinced, and then gave them to me after all the other presents were open. I love hockey, but I liked the going out part better -- we never went out and did date-type things, so I enjoyed it. The Bruins lost, but we were so close to the ice I could have spit on it, and we had a lot of fun. I'm also very fond of the puzzle my mom gave me last year -- it's a map of Tolkien's Middle-Earth (yes, I'm a Tolkien geek. Shut up.) and it's beautiful. I like it even more because I know she went to a lot of effort to get it for me, just because she remembered that I'd seen it in a shop and loved it.
3. What was the worst gift you've ever given?
I'm sure I gave some crappy gifts when I was a kid, but I don't really remember. Plus, kid gifts don't count -- even if they're crappy, the recipient likes them, right? The worst gift I probably gave was nothing, because I was broke during my college years. Even then, I'd try to scrape together enough money to buy at least my mom and my brother a book or something.
4. Where will you be celebrating the holidays? Are you hosting? Going away?
I won't be. I have Christmas off work, but not December 24 or 26. So, I will be at home, watching TV. I'm hoping to see Lee and Patrick so I can give them their presents, and have a bit of holiday cheer. Other than that, it'll just be a Wednesday off work for me. I will be visiting my mom for a delayed holiday during the first week of January, so it's fine. I plan to go to her house, have some dinner, then sit back and wait for people to fling presents at me. Have I mentioned my birthday? Yes? Just checking. (30!)
5. If you could spend the holidays with someone who isn't around, who would it be with? Why?
My grandparents. We used to have big family holidays at their old house in Wisconsin when I was little -- we'd all be there, my aunts and uncles and a billion cousins, and the kids would play in the park outside, and Grandma would wake us up on Christmas morning, early, by walking around the house wearing a Santa hat and yelling "Ho, ho ho!" She had this red plastic bell that, when turned on, lit up and played Jingle Bells. She'd take the bell around to all the rooms and "Ho, ho, ho!" at us until we got up to open presents. It was terribly cute, and funny, and I miss it. The whole family hasn't gotten together like that since my uncle Brian got married when I was... 8 years old? A long time ago, anyway. My grandparents sold the house and moved to Florida years ago. I miss that house -- I miss the green shag carpeting in the basement, and the zebra-striped carpet in my uncle Brian's old room, and the parlor where the good china was, and the basement where my brother and cousin Greg taugh tme to play pool when I was just tall enough to reach the top of the table. My grandpa's workshop was down there, and he built gorgeous dollhouses, and let Greg and I watch. Sigh.
See, I said I had the blues. I'm feeling nostalgic for things I didn;t appreciate enough at the time, and feeling like I won't have it so good again, ever. I'm feeling old -- turning 30 didn't seem like a big deal a year or so ago. But now... my life isn't anything like what I thought it would be. I didn't think I'd be divorced, and so damn single I've forgotten what being part of a couple is like. I didn't think I'd be working an entry-level job. I didn't think I'd be in debt up to my eyebrows. But mostly, I didn't think I'd be alone. The being single is what's making me feel the worst. And I know it isn't a big deal, and for the most part I'm very happy with my little life, but at the moment, it's bothering me. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to hug me when I get home from work. I want someone to make dinner for, and spend evenings with, and... I want a lot of things, and I'm pretty sure I'm not getting them for my birthday, and I feel like an idiot for sulking about it. And this is one hell of a downer, so I'm going to shut up now.
Posted by Mary Ellen at December 20, 2002 11:00 AM