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May 06, 2001
Sigh...
So what do you do when someone you care about just seems determined to be as miserable as possible? When every time you talk to them, you want to cry because they're so unhappy, but they won't do a thing to change it?
So, yeah, I'm experiencing my Sunday evening frustration right now. Just got off the phone with Eric -- who, as I've mentioned before, is one of my oldest and closest friends. At least, we used to be close. I can't tell anymore. I guess we still are -- maybe more so than ever, because he's telling me things he never used to. He's telling me how unhappy he is, and letting me see more and more how little he cares about anything. And it breaks my heart, because he was always one of the strongest people I knew. He stuck with me through one of the worst years of my life, in college. He pretty much kept me from falling apart, looked after me, without question. He was always the guy everyone turned to for advice. He was the one everybody wanted to be friends with. He was just magnetic that way -- and he had a huge heart. He still does -- it just seems to have hardened. He hates his job -- I know he always wanted the career he's in, it was his dream all through college. I know it would be hard to let that go -- but if he's so unhappy, shouldn't he think about trying something different? He's not looking after himself, and he's done some things in the past few months that have scared me quite a lot. He's just... he seems empty inside. He still cares -- whenever I talk to him (we talk on the phone every Sunday, when we can) he remembers all the little things I've mentioned before, and asks about them. He worries about my mom. He asks how my brother is doing. He seems to care about everyone but himself. And damn, he's miserable. It's getting to the point where I'm biting my tongue to keep from shouting at him over the phone. I was a bit antagonistic tonight, I couldn't help it. I wish I knew what else to do to help him. I wish he didn't laugh off genuine advice. I'm glad he's letting me in more now, I just wish I could do something to help him.
Oh, and one awkward side effect of him talking to me more openly? I get to give him advice on his love life. Yeah. The first real love of my life, and I'm telling him how to make his relationship with his current girlfriend work. Fun, huh? I don't mind it so much -- it's weird, of course -- I mean, for a long time I thought he would be the one I'd marry. (Now, the thought is just nightmarish.) But the problems he's telling me about... they're the same things he did almost ten years ago, the same things that broke us up, and hurt me so much. Weird. So I talk to him, and I end up wanting to pull my own hair out in frustration. Isn't friendship a beautiful thing?
Posted by Mary Ellen at May 6, 2001 09:17 PM