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August 11, 2000
Oh, the angst. Oh, the humanity.
Kymm said it all for me yesterday.
I am in the midst of wild mood swings. I woke up this morning in a good mood -- Beth's parents were here, preparing to drive to Indiana for a wedding, and her mom chatted with me while I got ready for work -- and was content sitting on the T, Foo Fighters blaring on my headphones... I walked into work, sat down, and became Snarling Bitch Woman. Irrationally irritable. Annoyed at everyone. Nothing happened to change my mood, it just came about all on its own.
A cigarette break later, and I was damn near Homicidal Snarling Bitch Woman. My poor coworker Oliver must have been terrified. Normally we get along really well, but today I don't think I said two words to him. (All the better for him, I'm sure.) After lunch, I was all content again, until I had to go to a meeting I had forgotten about. I fell asleep several times during the meeting (I was in the back, curled up in a very comfy armchair, it couldn't be helped...). Came home feeling pretty happy, knowing the whole apartment would be all mine until Tuesday. Now I am Morose Weepy Woman. The hell?
I would blame it on hormones, but it's not that time o' the month. No, the reason is much more pathetic -- I'm damn lonely. I realized the other day that, except for work transactions, I almost never speak to anyone during the course of the day. I can go for almost a week without having a conversation with someone, and it's staring to take a very strange toll. I call friends, and babble maniacally at them for hours on end. I can almost see their eyes glazing over as I ramble on, not even making sense to myself. I went out for coffee with the nephew of an old family friend yesterday, and could not shut up. I yapped like a Chihuahua on speed, and I knew I was doing it (and likely boring the poor guy to tears) but I could. Not. Shut. UP. I didn't realize how much I miss the casual little conversations that you have when you live with someone -- mind you, Barry and I very rarely had any in-depth talks. Whenever I started trying to talk to him, he would interrupt to tell me how much my voice annoyed him, or say he didn't care about whatever I was talking about. But there was a lot of just idle chatter, and I miss it.
And I don't want to feel like this. I want to be Happy Independant Woman. I want to be content enough with my own company that I have no need for a man, except for my own amusement. And I can almost talk myself into it. But deep down, damn, I hate this. I hate seeing happy couples everywhere I turn. I hate watching Beth and her boyfriend together (and feeling the house shake when they are, ahem, amourous). I am thrilled that they're happy, and I love the both of them, but... damn. And I want to stop thinking about it.
I even placed a personal ad, just in the hopes of making some new friends. I got a lot of messages from people I had nothing in common with, and a few very weird messages (one from a guy who wanted me to live in his house, take care of his two kids while he went out partying, and have sex with him when he felt like it. I must be nuts, turning down an offer like that, and a couple of messages I felt inclined to answer. All of them failed to pan out -- one guy was nice, but bored me almost to death. We hadn't a thing in common, and nothing to talk about. I ended up meeting the other guy in a club -- Beth and I had gone to see a local band, and I invited him -- and we got along passably well. I didn't want to date him at all, but I could see us being friends. Two days later, he sent me an email telling me he was sorry he had "led me on" but he didn't think he could "be in this relationship any more." Huh? We chatted for less than an hour. That's a relationship? I had NO idea... the last straw, the guy who convinced me to take the ad down altogether, was one I had been chatting with via email for a couple of weeks. He seemed normal enough -- he was articulate, and we had a few things in common. He asked me out, and I told him that, since I'm getting divorced, I'd rather just be friends. He wrote back telling me how envious he was that I was going through a divorce, because at least I had something interesting going on in my life. What?? I wrote back saying that divorce was not something I would consider enviable -- I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I had no idea where he thought he was going with that comment.
I had thought that meeting people, and casually dating, would help. But I can't seem to find anyone who is even remotely interested. And I am going to take my depressing little self off to bed now... sorry for the angst.
Posted by Mary Ellen at August 11, 2000 04:17 PM