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August 04, 2000
Rocky emotions ahead...
This is my third attempt this eveing to post an entry -- AOL keeps kicking me off. Grrr.
It's damn hot here. I know, nowhere near as bad as other parts of the country. But we've been spoiled this summer -- very little hot weather. At the moment, it's 9:17 p.m., still over 80 degrees, and humid. There's heat lightning flickering in the distance, and the wind has come up strong. I'm hoping for a good loud thunderstorm.
I'm in a strange mood. Happy one minute, sobbing the next. I called my (very patient) friend Dana last night, intending only to say hello and chat for a bit. I ended up having a full-on emotional meltdown over the phone at her, sobbing "I'm a troll, I'm hideous, and no one will ever want me!" Poor Dana. She talked me through it, and I feel better now. Sort of. Okay, so I don't, really.
See, part of the problem is the fact that an old friend will be visiting from out of state next week. He's the old boyfriend I've mentioned. Eric was my first love. I didn't talk to him for four years, mostly because Barry wouldn't let me. During that time, I convinced myself that I didn't really have any feelings left for him except nostalgia. Now that I'm back in touch with him, well... it ain't nostalgia.
I've changed a lot since he saw me last. Gained weight -- more than I care to think about, actually. Gotten two tattoos. Changed my attitude, my outlook on life. What if he shows up to see me, takes one look at me, and runs off shrieking? What if he doesn't like the person I've turned out to be? Anyone else, I'd shrug and say "Shit happens. People change." Not so with him -- it would crush me. And another rejection right now might be more than I can stand. So a huge part of me doesn't want to see him.
Everyone -- my friends, my mom, my therapist -- says I should wait until after I've seen him, and see how it goes, and then tell him how I feel. "Even if he doesn't reciprocate, at least he'll know he's loved," was the therapist's advice. I don't know. I know Eric well enough to picture how he'd react -- flattered, but uncomfortable. I don't know if he's prepared to deal with it. I've been getting some very mixed signals from him. And I don't know how much of my feelings for him are based on the fact that he's safe -- I already know him so well, there's no risk. Getting to know someone new is scary. What if I'm just deluding myself into thinking I love him, when really, all I'm reacting to is the low risk?
I don't know. Maybe it's the weather. All I know is, I can't stop pacing, I'm chain-smoking, and probably driving all of my friends within calling range insane.
What would you do, if you were me?
Posted by Mary Ellen at August 4, 2000 04:15 PM