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July 15, 2000
D-Day.
September 26 is D-Day. The divorce hearing will be at 9 a.m. It seems so far away right now -- I just want to get it all over with. From what I've heard, the hearing is no big deal. They just have you confirm when and where you were married, and that there is an irretrievable breakdown in the relationship, and that's that. It will be easy because we have no children, and no shared property. I wouldn't put it past Barry to try to make things harder, either by not showing up, or by making a fuss over the stuff I took -- even though he kept more that 3/4 of the things we owned. He was fighting me every step of the way for the few things I took. I hope he doesn't try anything like that -- I doubt that he can really do anything, since all the paperwork is filed and ready to go, and he would have to hire a lawyer. But I still wouldn't be much surprised.
It feels very strange having it all on paper -- it's beginning to feel real, now. Knowing the date when it will be over -- or at least close to over -- has cemented it in my mind. It feels good, because I'm relieved, but still... it's undescribably sad that it's come to this. I'm still having a hard time getting my head around the fact that, three months after we were married, he was dating someone else. We were still in the blissed-out honeymoon stage at that point. We spent a sickening amount of time talking about how we couldn't believe how happy the wedding had made us, especially since nothing had really changed -- we were living together before we got married, after all. I just don't get it. I mean, I can understand being attracted to someone else when you're in a relationship. What I can't fathom is how you could take that step, and get involved with someone else. Just sex is one thing. I could have understood, and possibly forgiven it, if he had just been having a fling. But the extent of the emotional relationship he had with her stuns me. Especially since he wasn't behaving any differently toward me -- the amount of lying, of covering up, must have been all-consuming for him. And I have to wonder what she was thinking when he told her she couldn't come to his apartment, and she couldn't call him at home, and they couldn't spend much time together... at first I wondered whether she knew he was married, but she must have. And I know he's hiding her from his friends and family now -- what could she possibly be thinking to put up with it? I know she was quite obsessive about him -- calling him four or five times during the night, just to see what he was doing (making sure he wasn't sleeping with me, most likely) and calling our house and hanging up over and over when he wasn't home and couldn't be reached on his cell phone... I witnessed that, since I was still living there at the time. So I guess she is just so needy, and so obsessed, that she'll put up with anything just to be with him. I don't understand that at all, either. I mean, I certainly put up with far too much -- at the risk of bitching, here are some examples:
I had to talk differently around him. He said he didn't like my voice, that it was a grating monotone, so I had to use this little baby voice when I spoke to him.
If I woke up earlier than he did on a Saturday or Sunday, he expected me to lie perfectly still, not get up, even to go to the bathroom, and not wake him up.
He also expected me to stay in the bathroom with him while he showered. I mean, I would do that sometimes on my own, but he wanted it all the time.
I had to give up all of my male friends, including Eric. I was able to make contact with him again, but there are some people I will likely never see again, because he was so jealous.
He once told me that if I got pregnant and didn't have an abortion, he would leave me. And I didn't slap him and walk out.
There's so much more, but I want to stop talking about it. I'm trying to sort out why, exactly, I bothered to stay for so long, when I was really very unhappy. I only realized how unhappy I was once I had moved out. I was almost giddy with relief.
The only thing I can figure is, I was so desperate for someone to want me that I was willing to stay with someone I really didn't like very much. I overlooked so many problems, because I was afraid if I admitted they were there, I would be alone again, and I didn't think I could face that. I'm happy to realize that I can face it, though it certainly isn't my first choice...
This entry seems to have written itself. I had a bunch of other (fun) stuff to write about. Ah, well. It will be over soon, don't worry. I'm getting to the point where I'm not thinking about it all the time, and that's good, because I can now think of better things to write about! And after the hearing, I am throwing myself a divorce party -- and you all are invited!
Posted by Mary Ellen at July 15, 2000 04:03 PM