Smoke and Mirrors

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July 11, 2000

Damn, I'm tired.

I could curl up under my desk and just sleep for the rest of the day. I am that tired. I woke up this morning with a migraine (which explains the dream I'd been having, which involved getting shot in the head. That's all I remember of it -- it was very bloody and weird). Since we're shortstaffed (as usual) at work, I really didn't want to call in sick, so I did my best to get ready for work, in spite of the feeling that my head was just going to fall off at any moment.

My roommate and her boyfriend had some sort of fight this morning, which was apparently drowned out by my vomiting (sorry, but it was...) and, as I sat on my bed trying to get my brain to function long enough to get dressed, my roommate (Beth) came in to vent. (I really like that she does that -- it pleases me to know that she feels she can talk to me so readily, about anything. It can be unnerving sometimes, because she's the type of person who doesn't hold anything back, and accepts people immediately. I have a feeling she gets burned a lot because of it, but it's a nice trait to have, I think. And hey, I'm parenthesis-happy today!) Apparently she didn't notice my pallor, or the cold sweat running down my neck, because she talked steadily for about ten minutes before noticing that I didn't appear to be getting ready for work. I explained that I was sick, but didn't want to stay home, and she offered to drive me to Cambridge so that I wouldn't have to deal with taking the T. It was a good thing, too -- I'd hate to start some hapless commuter's morning by barfing in their lap. So I got to rest a bit longer, and got a leisurely, comfortable ride to work.

My head feels fine now, but I'm very spaced out -- everything seems slightly unreal to me. I feel like I've had two or three drinks, and everything is just a little hazy and out of focus. Much like this entry.

My therapist wanted to discuss my past relationships yesterday -- he asked some rather amusing questions about my feelings toward men in general (No, I do not hate men, no, I am not afraid of them, and no, I am most certainly not a lesbian. Hee!) and about my exes specifically. I think I bored him -- counting Barry, I've only really had three relationships, and Barry was the only really long-term one. The others lasted about six months each. He was very interested in my old college boyfriend, Eric -- who is the only ex I'm still friends with. Eric is probably my closest friend, and certainly one of the few people who know me really well. I tend to think he knows me better than anyone else -- better than I know myself. And he has told me that I know him better than anyone else, which is a nice thing to hear. Dr. Heller commented that "there must be some pretty strong glue" between Eric and I, something special that has kept us close in spite of our history, and in spite of the time and distance between us. Especially since we didn't see or speak to each other for four years -- and we were able to pick up the friendship right where we left off, with no awkwardness at all.

I'm not good at any kind of long-term relationship. I don't have any friends left from high school, and I have only two friends from college. I lose touch with people far too easily -- I realize one day that I haven't talked to so-and-so for months, and I don't even know how to contact them. That bothers me. I don't know if there's just something about me that puts people off, but, with the exception of a few people, I generally find myself in the position of keeping in touch with people. In college, I often wondered if anyone would notice if I just disappeared -- if I stopped coming to their shows, stopped calling them, stopped dropping by to see them. I toyed with the idea of experimenting with that -- I thought about not making the effort for a while, just to see what people might do. In the end, I chickened out, because I was afraid they wouldn't react at all -- they just wouldn't notice.

I don't really know where this is going. I guess I'm thinking how much I really respect and appreciate my friends now -- the ones who have made the effort, the ones who have called me, instead of waiting for me to call them. I'm not really very good at telling people how I feel about them -- I either can't find the words, or I say them at the most inappropriate times... but I hope I at least show people that I care. And I hope that's enough. I really don't want to lose any more friends.

Posted by Mary Ellen at July 11, 2000 03:23 PM

Comments

Posted by: jojo at June 4, 2004 06:02 AM