Smoke and Mirrors

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June 16, 2000

I'm just a loser with no self-esteem...

Imagine you're driving along, on a beautiful summer day, top down, radio playing a favorite song. You've got your arm out the window, your hair is blowing in the wind, and you're singing along. Everything is fine -- you have a sense of well-being and contentment. Then, just when it seems everything will be just fine, come what may, a tanker truck careens around a curve and blindsides you.

That's kind of what my mental state is like recently. I'm keeping up appearances at work, and (mostly) with my friends. I've actually felt pretty good lately -- I'm glad the whole soap-opera mess of a relationship is over, and I'm slowly learning to enjoy being on my own again. But it all tends to sneak up on me sometimes, and I just feel lost.

I talked to my landlord last night -- he's Barry's landlord, too. All he talked about was how "happy and relaxed" Barry seems with his girlfriend. He said that she stays there most of the time, and they seem so content with each other. I have no idea why he felt the need to tell me this. He said "You know, you can't expect a young guy like Barry to live like a hermit." Um, well, no, but I don't think it's romantic and sweet that he's so happy living with the woman he cheated on me with. I don't think the landlord meant to cause pain -- he's a little odd, and I don't think he has a very clear grasp on what's actually happened. I think he thinks the breakup was mutual, even though I have told him otherwise.

I already knew that Barry's happy with his girlfriend. There is a small part of me that wishes he was sitting in the dark pining for me, but I know that isn't happening. It's unpleasant, realizing just how easy I am to get over. Hell, he was over me long before we broke up. I was just too blind to see it.

My mom was supposed to be coming down from Vermont to visit this weekend, but my brother isn't doing very well. He's in the middle of Divorce #2 (I don't know what the hell is wrong with my family...) and has been having anxiety attacks. My mom doesn't want to go off and leave him alone all weekend. I'm worried about him, but I'm working tomorrow, so I can't hop on the bus and go up to see him. And (as selfish as this is) I'm unhappy at having no plans for the weekend. If I'm busy, I'm okay. If I'm spending time with people, or working, I don't have to think. I can just focus on whatever I'm doing, and shut the rest of it off. It's when I'm alone and have down time that it gets me.

I worry about bugging my friends, too. I don't want to be too needy, and cling to the few friends I have in the area. And my phone bill is going to be horrifying this month, so at least my out-of-town friends are spared my morose phone calls. I don't much care for being a burden -- and when I do spend time with friends, I'm thinking "They don't really want to hang out with me. They're just feeling obligated. Hell, I wouldn't want to hang out with me."

Oh, enough whining. Sorry. There's not much else to say. It's dull at work -- nobody wants to be in a library when it's sunny and warm out. It's in the upper 80s right now, and humid. I don't like hot weather, but this early in the summer it feels really good. The landlord is installing new windows in my apartment today, so we'll actually be able to have fresh air -- the old windows in most of the rooms had no screens, and we have (at the moment) three cats, two bunnies, and an aquarium full of mice. There was a ball python, but it has since moved out. (Only the one cat is mine -- I haven't turned into Crazy Spinster Librarian yet, thank you.) Windows without screens are no good when you have cats, and live on the third floor. Plus one of the windows is near a wasps nest. My two windows have screens, but neither of the screens actually fit into the frames, so I cringe whenever the cat leaps up onto the windowsill.

I'm working late tonight, so even though my brain knows I have three more hours to go, my body is insisting I get to leave in just over an hour. Feh.

Posted by Mary Ellen at June 16, 2000 03:01 PM

Comments

Posted by: John Reifel at June 8, 2004 07:34 AM

Posted by: Mary Ellen at June 8, 2004 09:06 AM