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June 08, 2000
Gah!!
I was in a good mood when I got to work this morning. Tired, but in a reasonably good mood. Tired because I stayed up too late watching American Beauty. (Only one word to say about it: Wow. It knocked my socks off. It's one of the few movies I've seen that kept me riveted to the screen for the full two hours. Wow.) In a good mood because I went to my first therapy session yesterday, and it went really well. It was exhausting -- when I left I felt completely drained, and I could have curled up on the floor of the subway station and slept for hours. But it went well, and I think it will continue to go well. I like the doctor very much, he's easy to talk to, and yet not intrusive, if that makes any sense. Spending the evening alone watching a movie with cats curled up on the bed with me was just what I needed last night.
This morning I got to work, and found an e-mail from Barry asking me to call him -- he had some questions about the seperation agreement form. So I called, answered the questions as politely as I could, and prepared to get off the phone -- I don't particularly like starting my day off by talking to him. I say "Okay, I'll talk to you later..." and he responds with "What, you can't even be friendly?" So we have to go through the whole thing again. He can't, or won't, understand why I don't want to be friends with him -- after he lied to me, cheated on me, treated me horribly, and from what I hear, continues to lie to me. He can't understand why I'm angry at him. He can't seem to figure out why I'm hurting so much, and why talking to him only makes that hurt worse. He said "I'm going through a really rough time right now." Well, so am I! He said he knows that, and he has been very concerned about how I'm doing. I asked "When? When you were telling me how much you loved me, then calling your girlfriend and telling her the same thing? When you were seeing her behind my back, then lying to me about where you'd been? When you slept with her in our bed? How about when you had her spend the night with you on the very same night that I moved out? Were you thinking about how I was doing then?" Silence. He had no answer. It's just ridiculous -- he is incapable of thinking about anyone's feelings but his own. No matter what happens, no matter what he does, it all just revolves around him, as though he is the only person who is impacted by anything. I must have been blind, insane, or just really, really stupid to have stayed with him for four years. I must have been delusional to think I saw some good side to him -- because the way things stand now, all the good times I thought we had are a lie now.
I'm sick to death of thinking about this. I was very happy when I realized, as I sat on the subway this morning, that I hadn't thought of him once since I woke up. The first thought that popped into my head when the alarm went off wasn't "Barry's not here." I so want to get past it, to get on with my life, and I just can't if he's going to insist on rehashing everything over and over and over. I can't move on if he's still trying to force a friendship that can't exist. I can't be friends with someone I don't trust, even on the most superficial level.
End of rant. I'm in a rotten mood now, and my head hurts. I want to go back home and go back to bed.
Posted by Mary Ellen at June 8, 2000 02:48 PM