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May 26, 2000
What I need is a big pile of good books.
stee just rocks. I think he somehow got into my head, took everything that I was thinking about, and put it into this entry. Every time I think of the future, I remember that Barry won't be in it. Every night, when I go to bed, I realize that he won't be beside me, his breathing won't lull me to sleep anymore. When something weird or funny or bad happens at work, my first reaction won't be to call him. There will be no one to bring goofy little presents to. I will never touch his skin again. He will never sneak up on me and kiss me, in that way that always made me knees weak. He will never be there again, ever. Even if we were to be friends, like stee said, it would never be the same.
I'm almost all packed to move. The cat is freaking out, climbing into all the boxes and pulling things out, as if to say "What are you DOING? Stop!" I packed last night in a frenzy of energy -- if I let myself think too much about it, I lose any will to do it at all, and end up on the couch crying. So in less than an hour, I packed almost everything.
I'm absolutely terrified of starting over. I don't know when I'll ever have my own place again -- I can't possibly afford to live on my own in or near Boston. I'm fearful of the future, when there will be no one to turn to when I need help with some mundane problem. I don't know how I'll fill my time -- at this point, I'm planning on joining the YMCA, which is right on my route home from work. It will keep me busy, and possibly give me some chance of looking halfway decent. I am resisting calling all my friends every single night, because the last thing I want to do is become a ball-and-chain to them. I want them to stay my friends, not resent me, or feel obligated to hang out with me. I don't want to be needy.
I like my new roommate very much, and I'm sure we'll end up being good friends. But it's not the same, by a long shot.
So I need diversions. Send me book recommendations -- I need something relatively mindless, yet entertaining. Something I don't have to think about too much, that I can just lose myself in. So send me any recommendations you have -- oh, and NO ROMANCES.
Posted by Mary Ellen at May 26, 2000 02:38 PM