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May 24, 2000
Randomness...
I've been packing over the past week, getting ready to move out. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it.
There's a little, pathetic pile of boxes and suitcases in the middle of the dining room floor. Most of my personal things are packed, and all I really have left to do is sort out what kitchen stuff I'm taking, and that's it. I went through the wedding photos, taking the ones I wanted to keep. I sorted through the shoebox of little, silly love tokens, and took the (very few) I wanted. Most of the little notes in the box were written by me, and it was funny, in a sad way, to read through them and see how eager I was to please -- how I would say anything, gloss over any problem, just to make things okay. I grew up like that, with a father who was never satisfied with me. Everything I did was wrong -- I was unattractive, fat, clumsy, and not very bright. My college choice was all wrong. My dreams were all silly and childish.
I've been told -- repeatedly -- that women tend to go for men who remind them of their fathers. I think I proved the point pretty well with this relationship.
It's not that I'm not sad -- at this point, I'm heartbroken. We had a good little life together. It was stable, comfortable, and happy. Barry keeps telling me "A lack of love was never the problem with us." I've just... made peace with it, I guess. I'm not angry anymore. I can get through the day without crying. I can talk to Barry, on a very superficial level, without wanting to punch him. It'll hit me much harder once I've moved out, and I don't have the chance to see him every day. I don't want to move -- I hate giving up the level of security and privacy I have now. I'm a creature of habit -- I intensely dislike change. And this is changing everything. It's changing me.
This entry doesn't make a whole lot of sense... sorry.
Posted by Mary Ellen at May 24, 2000 02:36 PM