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May 17, 2000
I've got a new apartment, and a lot of mixed emotions.
I have a place to live.
It's a good thing, really, but I feel terrible. It's not home. The woman I'll be rooming with is very nice, and I can see the two of us getting along very well. She has two cats, and I'll have a nice big room. But I walked home after looking at it thinking about the happy, comfortable place I'm leaving. We have only lived in the new apartment for a little over two weeks, but it already felt like home to me. Barry was constantly talking about how it would be our little nest for a long time, and how we would set it up just the way we wanted it. I'll settle in fine at the new place, physically, but... I wonder when I'll stop watching the clock in the evenings, thinking "Almost time for Barry to get home." He won't be there watching TV with me. He won't be there to come up behind me and hug me while I'm washing dishes. He won't be there to call me during the day, just to say hello.
I got the divorce papers in the mail yesterday. I was the one who'd called to request them, so I was expecting them. But still... I sat on the couch looking at them and crying all evening. A bit part of me was hoping that he would come home, look at them, and say "Why don't we just try a seperation." But I know that isn't going to happen. He has made it abundantly clear that that can't happen. He's leaving me in a mess of confusion -- in one breath, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, and in the next he says someone else makes him happy. He tells me he doesn't love her, then calls her and says he does. He says it's all due to his problems, then blames it all on me.
I know I'm likely driving my friends crazy with evening phone calls -- I'm all right during the day, at work, because I'm busy. At night, I sit and my thoughts catch up to me. And I'm probably going to drive all of you nuts too, talking about this. Sorry.
Posted by Mary Ellen at May 17, 2000 02:28 PM