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May 16, 2000
I've got a plan, and a (slightly) better outlook.
Thank you to everyone who has sent supportive e-mails over the past week. They really do help, more than you know. I've saved them, and I'll be re-reading them many times over the next few weeks, I'm sure.
I'm feeling better today. Last night I looked at an utterly horrible apartment -- dirty, dark, in a terrible neighborhood, with a very unfriendly roommate. I kept seeing it in comparison to the beautiful, bright, sunny place I live in now -- the place that Barry said would really be a home for us, where I thought I would be for many years to come. I couldn't speak much while looking at the apartment, because I knew if I wasn't careful, I'd break down and cry right there. As it was, I cried all the way back to the subway, and all the way home. By the time I reached my house, I thought I had a plan.
I decided to move back to Vermont. Quit my job, quit school, pack up, and go. My family is there, and I need them. I could close this part of my life, and start over fresh. last night it seemed like the best idea in the world. This morning, well... I don't want to run away. I don't want to make decisions based on emotions. I do like my job, and while school tends to bore my socks off, I want to finish. But not knowing where I'll be living is a very scary thing, and I'm not emotionally equipped to handle any more very scary things right now. So I called my mom and asked her if i could move home. She said yes, of course -- that's her job, after all. Then I called a friend and talked to her for a good long time. Barry was being cold and as nasty as possible to me, so I just sat outside and talked on the phone all evening. Went to bed, cried all night -- I can hear Barry breathing in the other room, and it tears me apart. I hate what he's done. I hate him, for ruining the best relationship I've ever had. he was my best friend, and he betrayed me in a way he promised he never would. But at the same time, lying there in the dark, hearing him breathe, part of me wants to creep in and lie down next to him, and just hold him. It feels like I've been kicked in the stomach -- an ache that won't stop. Or like a piece of me is missing, and there's a ragged, painful hole that I can't fill. he was so much a part of me -- and now he's turned away to someone else, and even though he keeps telling me it wasn't my fault, that he has problems that he needs professional help to deal with, it still is tearing me apart inside. I'm trying to keep a brave face on -- I write these entries on my breaks at work, usually, so I can't break down. I save it for the nights, when I can break down alone.
So. As of this morning, going back to Vermont was the plan. Then I got a phone call. My landlord is a very nice guy, and he happens to own another house, about four blocks from where I live now. he remembered that one of the tenants in that house, a woman about my age, wanted a roommate. He called her, and she called me yesterday. The apartment sounds great, and I know I'd love to continue to rent from Scott. But yesterday, she had told me that she was planning to move out in a few months. I couldn't afford the place alone, so i said I didn't think it would work out. She called again this morning, and told me that if she were to move out, she would stay until I had either found a new roommate, or had a new place of my own. She is very nice -- both times she's called we've talked like old friends. I told her why I'm moving, and she was supportive, even though she hasn't actually met me. She seems to really want me to move in, so I'm going to go look tonight. if it's nice -- and I'm sure it is -- and Scott says it's okay for me to find a new roommate when she moves, I'll go for it. Only problem is, I'd be living four blocks from Barry, which would hurt. But I doubt our paths would cross much. And deep down, I still want to be his friend, to a degree. I still do love him, even though I hate what he's done. He was my best friend for four years, and I can't just forget that. But oh, it hurts. I'm trying to take the pain a little at a time. I'm trying to not feel anything, to be utterly without emotion, because even a little hurts too much. I'm going to get some counselling myself, because I need to deal with this. I just don't really know how to do it.
Posted by Mary Ellen at May 16, 2000 02:18 PM