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May 15, 2000
Welcome to my nightmare
So I found out he was cheating on me. Walked in with my mom early Saturday morning, and found him in bed with his girlfriend. He's pretty much been lying to me all along, and he's still doing it now. I can't write any more about that -- I can't think about it. It hurts more than I thought anything could hurt, ever.
The hellish thing is, I have to live there with him until I find another apartment. He is expecting that we can just be normal and friendly to each other, and can't (or won't) understand that I can't do that. The sooner I move out, the better. I'm looking at a place tonight, so send me happy thoughts that it works out. I just want to move out. It hasn't hit me yet -- I'm not allowing myself to feel anything, because any emotion would hurt too much. I'm having trouble sleeping, and I can't really eat much.
When I move is when it will hit me. I hate being alone. And right now I feel utterly, completely alone. I won't have anyone to talk to at night. I won't have anyone to be there with me, to just spend time and relax with. It'll just be me, and he already has someone else.
Posted by Mary Ellen at May 15, 2000 02:16 PM