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February 24, 2000
I don't get the whole girlfriends thing...
I was sitting on the T this morning, listening to music (Moby) and trying to wake up, when three women sat down across the aisle from me. They were obviously all very good friends, all on their way to different jobs, but riding together. The one in the middle was telling the other two stories about some daffy coworker; all three were laughing until tears came to their eyes, having a fantastic time. And it was only 7 a.m.
It was fun watching them, but it made me a little sad, too. I don't have any friends that I get together with regularly (I had the impression that the three women on the train spend quite a lot of time together). And I have rarely had that kind of female friend -- the best girlfriend who is your friend all your life, who is closer to you than family. I have had a couple of good female friends -- one in high school, one in college, and one during and after college. The one from high school got into drugs, flunked out of school, moved in with a drug dealer, and eventually moved across the country. When we would get together, the hysterical giggling was replaced by long, awkward silences. She tried to hide her lack of interest in my school stuff, and I couldn't relate to her life. We lost touch for a few years, and then she called me out of the blue. I was thrilled, thinking we would be able to rekindle at least some of the friendship -- but after that, I got a sort of email newsletter that she sent to everyone she knew once every six months or so. My emails to her went unanswered. So we've lost touch again.
My old roommate from college is still very dear to me -- but she's in medical chool, and lives in Michigan, so we rarely talk. She came to my wedding in November, and we spent the night before the wedding watching movies and talking at her hotel. When we do talk it's great, but it's so infrequent.
My friend Dana lives right in town, and we used to get together all the time. But then, we were both in college and had way more free time than we have now. Now, the idea of going out drinking until 2 a.m. is just wishful thinking. I have to get up for work early, and I can't just skip it like I could my morning classes. I wish I could -- I miss that freedom sometimes. Not that I skipped classes a lot -- I just liked having the option.
I try to see my friend Lee as often as I can -- we met at Simmons (she sat next to me in class, and the comments she'd whisper during the lectures cracked me up and made me like her instantly). But we're both busy, working different shifts.
And being married throws a weird dynamic into things. Given the choice, I'll usually spend my free time with Barry. Or else we have stuff that needs to be done -- the house is filthy, or we need to go shopping for this or that, and everything else gets put on a back burner.
I miss having a good girlfriend. I've always gotten along strangely with women -- with the above three exceptions, most of my friendships with women have ended horribly. One was sleeping with the guy she kept promising to set me up with (she thought it was funny). One made up a bunch of stories to trash my reputation at school (I got the internship she wanted.) The ones that didn't end badly just didn't really... happen. They never got past the aquaintance stage. I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't something about me that repels people on sight. I don't think I smell awful -- I wash, after all, and Barry doesn't go around with a clothespin on his nose or anything. I always have a breath mint handy. I don't have three eyes or anything. I'm very shy, and that makes getting to know people difficult. I generally operate under the assumption that if I start talking to someone, they won't like me. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. If it is, I've gotten really good at it.
Posted by Mary Ellen at February 24, 2000 10:40 AM